I have never wanted to quit so badly as I did today, just because my muscles are like FASDMOVIAWEMRA. As for endurance, though, I'm doing a lot better. I can get through it (level 1) without (much) screaming, panting and grunting. That's improvement.
Anyway, I really like my life. School has settled into a nice rhythm, and my classes aren't too hard. My creative writing class is doing its first full-class workshop tomorrow, and guess whose story gets to go first? This girl's. I'm a little nervous, but I'm really staring to accept the fact that, whether people do or don't like what I write, whether I get embarassed in class tomorrow or not, it's temporary. Class is going to last two hours, and the workshop on my story probably won't even last for half of that. What do I have to be afraid of? People? No way man. I really think God's starting to do a lot in my heart without me even realizing it.
He's definitely been changing who I am and what I think I need to be. For a while, it was my mindset that Andrew and I, but mostly just myself, needed to STOP everything we were doing "wrong" and START doing everything "right" so we (I) could see more of God in my life and let Him move more freely. I was really stuck on that, and it ended up in a lot of arguments and a lot of tears and a lot of me just feeling really badly about the way I was living my life. But God spoke to me really clearly about the whole subject, best wrapped up in some lyrics from I Am New by Jason Gray.
Who I thought I was
And who I thought I had to be
I had to give them both up
Cause neither were willing to ever believe
Really, that's it. My mom helped me realize it a lot, too. Change isn't going to come from me being "better," it's going to come from me stepping the heck out of the way and letting God do his thing. I don't need to remodel my life and my priorities and my everything in my own strength, but I do need to put God first and spend time in His word and in communion with Him. If I just do that, He's going to do the rest.
Quick testimony, just because it was totally a great example of everything I've been saying. On Wednesday night, I was hanging out with Andrew (watching The Muppets Wizard of Oz) and working on some homework for the next day. I got done reading the articles I had to read, but I still had a worksheet of response questions to do. I really didn't feel like it, so I got up and made Andrew lunch and got ready to go to bed. But God really just put on my heart to be responsible, to not put the work off for between classes the next day and to just get it done. I wasn't tired, I was just bored with homework and that made going to bed a better option. But I stuck it out and did my work, and really it was just such a relief to have it done (and done well, which is another thing God encouraged me in), rather than having to throw it together really quickly the next day before class. God's just really showing me how to be more responsible and how to chase after the things that are going to be most beneficial for me and for His kingdom. I still screw up a lot, do what I want to do instead of what He wants me to do. I make that wrong decision often, but God's working on my heart, and right now that's all I can ask for.
I didn't expect this to be so long! But God's had a lot on my heart lately and it's nice to get it down somewhere. (: Love you guys!
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